She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
