I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
