Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize