Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
