I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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