I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize