We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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