Don't make out with my wife yet
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
