haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
