so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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