a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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