i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
