WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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