I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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