I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
