The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
