Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
