billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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