You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Randomize
