I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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