smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
