guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
