No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I need a beard to bite.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
