tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
