Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
