Kareoke will never be a sober sport
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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