Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
