Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
