I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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