So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
