how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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