the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
