Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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