dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
And then my night got REAL pukey
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
