I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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