i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
