We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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