HIV tests are more positive than that guy
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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