i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
