My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
