Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
