I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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