i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
