We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
