All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Blow job season was short but glorious.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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