my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
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