he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
