Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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