No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I puked a lego.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
