I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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